Dear Pizza Express

Dear Pizza Express,

I have a question for you, something that’s been playing on my mind for a while now.

Is there some knack, some old Italian technique for cutting your pizza bases without breaking a finger? Am I doing something wrong?

Is it your cutlery? Is it the knives so blunt you’re never really sure if you are holding them the right way up? Perhaps you could provide a Canadian wood saw so my guest and I could share the long endeavour involved of getting through your ‘thin, light and crisp’ base. It could be a bonding exercise? Either that or change the recipe?

Perhaps, and this is just blue sky thinking here, the current recipe could have some Military application?

Today I had to ask one of your staff where the base stopped and the plate began.

He wasn’t sure.

Because what you don’t seem to realise Pizza Express, is that your impenetrable dough is ruining the sophisticated ambience you think you have created. Call me old fashioned but I don’t want to see other diners doing their “poo face” with the sheer effort involved in cutting your pizza into slices. It’s unromantic.

I hope you take this letter seriously Pizza Express otherwise I shall be forced to keep doing what I did today, namely steal the plate, eat the topping and then watch as you take the unassailable slab away as crockery.

By the way you’re just Pizza Hut with a tie on – so lose the fucking attitude yeah?

Kind regards,

James

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